How Am I Feeling - Do I Know?

Here’s the thing, if you ask me how I’m feeling, I can not always tell you in a succinct way.

I am a verbal processor.

I have a hard time naming my feelings or describing them unless I get to explain everything happening in my head out loud…or in a blog post(?). I lead with all of this because I am trying to figure out what I think and feel about what’s going on in our world. No, I am not dumb or uninformed, and I am also not, not in touch with my feelings…there are just a lot of them right now. Here are the analyzations zooming through my head, as rapidly as your job is having you join a Zoom conference call.

With the verbal processing comes something else - I love helping people figure out what they feel. When I witness or intuit how others are feeling, I just want to guide and support them the best I can! So why should I not treat myself the way I treat friends?

What you’re about to witness is a conversation with myself. On Wednesday, I asked myself questions and started laying out my feelings…Thursday, I answered myself, after prayer, meditation, and thoughtfulness - I will treat myself as I would a friend. We are always far kinder and compassionate to friends than to ourselves…

-I am not afraid of getting sick, but I am worried about the vulnerable populations around me and potentially carrying something to them. Does this thought make me so prideful for thinking I would be fine and it’s everyone else who needs to worry?

Girl, it’s not irrational to feel that way, because honestly, you COULD potentially carry the virus to someone…but, so COULD everyone else. You must do your best to socially distance and not be a rebel, practice good cleaning and hygiene, and be honest with yourself and others if you feel sick.

-This is only my third official day of self-isolating, as I worked all last week, and I honestly like social distancing far more than I thought I would, and I DON’T WANT TO WORK…I just want to play. Is this because I truly want to value this time where there is no expectation, no FOMO, no busyness, no need for approval? A time I don’t have to fight the need to feel successful or helpful, because shit, not a lot of us can honestly be feeling that way right now, right? OR, is it because I am dreading the uncertainty of my future in all of the endeavors I pursue… I am a personal stylist, as well as an on-set stylist, and a party planner. All of those industries are teetering right now. Am I just worried and avoiding, or honestly, actually feeling peaceful?

It’s probably both and that is OK! Feel the peacefulness, the gratitude for the pause and for the health and wealth in your life. Also, get some work done because this is a great time to create and work on things you haven’t had time for… but without the pressure to perform that YOU have put on yourself. Do it because you love it and you’re returning to the beginning of why you started this all. Like Celine Dion says, “It’s all coming back to me nowwww”.

-This one is rather raw and personal, but here it goes: After this time subsides, should I continue to supplement my income as an on-set stylist for corporate fashion giants? This one is yanking me around like Winston on a walk…but it always has. Am I a hypocrite for wanting so badly for everyone to shop less, and when they do, do so more mindfully and compassionately. Yet, I work for these companies making their models, still life photos, ad campaigns, look beautiful and desirable, all the while, secretly hoping no one buys it. This is hypocrisy that I am ashamed of, yet I have sat in it for so long I have justified and am numbing to it. Now, in these uncertain times in fashion, is this when I take a final stand against companies that I would not vouch for? Make far less money and work much harder to hustle for my little baby businesses ?

Sweets, what do you always say? Progress not perfection. We have never arrived. There will always be another level of sustainability, and just plain being a better human, to try and achieve. For now, sit in this feeling and think about how to move forward wisely. There is a way to not compromise your beliefs and convictions while still providing for your family and future - it just may not have revealed itself yet. Be still. Listen.

-Am I a failure if I do not use this time wisely and get a ton of stuff accomplished? Will I have wasted these precious moments? I have found myself just wanting to drift through the day and do whatever I want, and it brings joy to my usual list-making-approval-driven self. Then, I get to the end of my day and start calculating what I have to show for it… “I read a lot, I crafted and created, I got to be with my husband and dog more than ever, I was outdoors so much….but but but but should I have done more?”

NO! There are no rules and no one to report to. Grace abounds. You will look back on this time with fondness and gratefulness for the days you spent healthy, in the sun, with the one you love, doing things you love. Who said you have to be productive in the same way you “normally” are? What is this life for? Have you asked yourself that lately?

-I so badly want to do things to help everyone around me. Buy groceries for the homeless, give all my money to small businesses, bring all of the healthcare workers ice cream and masks, work at the food bank, visit the jails, but so much of that I can’t do. I feel halted and selfish while I enjoy a relatively uninterrupted life. I was potentially in contact with someone who potentially has the virus, so I must be even more cautious and not be around anyone, and it is troubling me to not be able to help.

What a time to live. As someone who normally drives towards ACTION, and finds comfort in DOING, what an ask it is of yourself to be selfless by not DOING, but by BEING. Choosing to sit still and pray for the healthcare workers and vulnerable populations instead of hand deliver them groceries and cookies. Send what money you can to different groups and be content that it was enough. You want to run to the frontlines so badly, but in this time is important to not endanger those around you, for you to feel like you’re doing enough.

Well y’all, I almost cried, writing back and forth to myself. It was weird, and freeing. I encourage you to do something similar. Life feels more dichotomous than usual, and it may for a while longer. For now, I will be kind to myself and to others. I will have even more empathy for others, and for self. I will do what I can…from the comfort of my home.

I AM grateful, humbled, at peace.

XX,

MFF